Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kelly calls Christina fat!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

When we get a headline like "Kelly calls Christina fat!" it helps to have pictures. Too many Kellys and Christina's on the field, don'tcha know.

The Kelly is the rudest Kelly, Kelly Osbourne.

The Christina is Christina Aguilera, who doesn't currently look as good as this.

Bundle of Joy Alert: January Jones and her new baby.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, January Jones! The actress and animal rights activist, best known as Betty Draper on Mad Men and also as Emma Frost in this year's X-Men: First Class, gave birth to a baby boy a few weeks back. Usually, a pregnant and attractive young actress is exactly the kind of story the tabloids love, but Miss Jones is not married and not forthcoming on who the father is. Here are the headlines.

• January Jones: first baby photos
• Who's the daddy?

Best wishes to all concerned.

On the rocks alert and Man Slut warning: Kris Humphries does his Ashton Kutcher impression.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Here it is, October 20, but the magazine that hit the stand today are dated October 31. These Halloween gossip rags bring no treats for little hobbit hottie Kim Kardashian and her orc groom Kris Humphries. Earlier stories of trouble in their months old marriage were all over the place, but this week two magazines have agreed on a narrative.

Kris is a man slut and Kim is going to kick him to the curb. Here are the headlines.

• Star: Breaking News
  Kim & Kris THE END
  'He never really loved her' - shocking tell-all
  Kris leaves town alone
  She catches him with two women
  They taunt Kim with the details
  Now: a divorce lawyer
• Weekly Life & Style: Friends and family confirm
  Headed for a split!
  Has Kris cheated already?
  Kris caught with a blonde at 5 a.m.
  Kim's ring is off
  Inside their screaming fights
  The Kardashians scramble to protect their millions
  

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kristin's wedding is back on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Only one supermarket rag is still interested in ex-reality TV star Kristin Cavallari, and that's Weekly Life & Style. They had a story in May about her getting in engaged, a story in August about her groom getting cold feet and a third story now about the wedding being back on.

I agree with the editorial position of the other nine of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. I do not give a rat's ass what happens to Kristin Cavallari.

Man Slut Alert: Did Donald Trump cheat?

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Way back in November 2010, the Enquirer had Donald Trump on the cover with the ridiculous idea that he would run for president. For several months earlier this year, the Three Wicked Step Sisters presented him as the King of the Birthers.

Now, all that noise is over and other more reliable gossip rags can speak the truth about him. Donald Trump is a swine who uses women until they get too old, then trades them in for newer models. Weekly Life & Style is slightly coy about this, putting a question mark at the end of the sentence, but I think we all know the answer is yes.

This week's dish about Real Houswife Teresa.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Teresa Giudice is vying with Taylor Armstrong as the Real Housewife with the most mentions on the covers of the gossip rags this year, and this week noses into the lead. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Teresa leaving the show?
• Weekly Life & Style: How fame changed Teresa

On the rocks alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kim'n'Kris in crisis. And, oh yeah, Khloe hates the guy.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both literally and figuratively, the honeymoon is over for hot hobbit Kim Kardashian and her orc husband Kris Humphries. The wedding was just this August and after a few nice stories about a honeymoon in Italy, it's been a non-stop crap storm for the mismatched pair. Here are the headlines about them.

• OK: Kim&Kris: Faking it for the cameras
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive interview
  'What have I done?'
  Kim realizes her marriage is a mistake and demands a break from Kris
  Tears and regret after only 53 days
  

And just to make matters worse for Humphries, currently without a paycheck due to the NBA labor crisis, his sister in law Khloe flat out dislikes him.

• Us Weekly: Sisters torn apart: Why Khloe hates Kris

I really don't understand the public's obsession with this family and I can't tell if a huge wedding plastered all over their show and the gossip rags followed by a quickie divorce will be good or bad for their reality TV empire, but my best guess is that they have peaked and the decline in interest is now inevitable.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Bun In The Oven Alert™: Jessica pregnant bride!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Jessica Simpson is not a supermarket rag superstar. This will be her 13th cover story this year, mostly about her marrying the wrong guy and having struggles with her weight. For the second week in a row, the two stories intertwine with the rumors that this time, her struggle with weight is because she is heavy with child. She has not confirmed or denied this latest flurry yet.

It's October, and there is still more Teen Mom crap. Sigh.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

I just want it to be over, but I've gotten used to disappointment. I went back to look at all the Teen Mom posts to see which magazines are most to blame, and it's OK! and In Touch, but this week it's Weekly Life & Style. Here are the headlines.

• (Exclusive) Teen Moms give up their babies… so they can party
• Jenelle moves in with friends and ditches Jace
• Amber's drinking again after rehab
  

On the rocks alert: Six stories about the troubles of Demi and Ashton.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star, People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 October 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The trouble in the marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore is easily the Story of the Week on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, with six covers out of ten. (In actuality, it's six of seven. Ashton and Demi are too young to be of interest to the Globe and the low rent Examiner, and the Sun would only be interested in their marital woes if Nostradamus had predicted them.) Usually when there are this many stories, they point all over the place, but with one exception, these pretty much point in the direction of Ashton's penis. Here are the headlines.

• People: Demi's heartbreak
  Her troubled marriage
• National Enquirer: Demi's revenge - She'll destroy cheating Ashton
• Weekly Life & Style: Demi's kids take Ashton's side
• In Touch: Demi's nightmare: Ashton's love child shocker!
  Exclusive: Mistress tells all!
  Unsafe sex in his car and house
  Dumped her after she found out the baby news
  Humiliated Demi can't eat - drops to 95 lbs.!
• Us Weekly: On their anniversary caught cheating
  Ashton hooks up with two girls at an all-night hot tub party. As they enter counseling, can Demi forgive him?
  22-year-old Sara Leal
• Star: Demi & Ashton: The photos that ended their marriage!
  Demi breaks down after Ashton hooks up with 23-year-old on their wedding anniversary
  Ashton's caught cheating on camera
  17 world exclusive photos
  Ashton surrounded by blondes in his hotel room
  Ashton's lover keeps on partying
  
  And for good measure, here's the picture of Sara Leal, the pretty young girl with the big mouth, both literally and figuratively, who is being cast in the role of homewrecker.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Another story about Hollywood women who weigh too little.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Yet another grab bag story about women in show business obsessing about their weight and getting too skinny in the process. Here are the headlines.

• Sandra's heartbroken again - over Ryan Reynolds' new romance.
  
• Lonely and insecure, she drops to her lowest weight ever
  
• (skin and bones)
  

• Demi: Starving herself after cheating scandal

• Kendra: What I did to get thin

• Julie Bowen: Pressure to look perfect

And this is the opportunity to write: Welcome to gossip hell, Julie Bowen!

All the Teen Mom crap for 10 Oct. 2011

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 11

Four supermarket gossip rags decided to take a dip in the cesspool that is Teen Mom. Here are the headlines, three about Farrah Abraham and one about Catelynn Lowell, just in case anyone reading this can tell the difference between these half-witted bimbettes.

• OK!: Teen Mom Farrah: back with her baby
• In Touch: Farrah's baby: Ditched to party
• Weekly Life & Style: Farrah's regret: She wants Sophia back
• Us Weekly: Teen Mom Catelynn: Afraid Tyler will dump her

Note that there are three completely different takes on the Farrah story, and In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are owned by the same company. Some one need to work on getting their stories straight.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Why Kris' family hates Kim!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This is one of two stories about Kim'n'Kris this week, and while they don't completely contradict one another, they do point in different directions.

According to Weekly Life & Style, Kris Humphries' family has little love for his new bride, which means we can expect a steady stream of catty insider gossip about this year's most famous couple, reality TV division.

I hate to be the one to say I told you so, but these Orc/Hobbit mixed marriages never work.

Doctors fear Leann is anorexic!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The best publicity a female celebrity can get in the gossip rags is that she's in love, she's getting married or she's having a baby, hopefully in that order. The worst publicity she can get is that she's a home wrecker, bat shit crazy or at the wrong weight.

The best news we have for Leann Rimes is that she isn't bat shit crazy. She stole Eddie Cibrian from his wife and she's way too skinny, which is the reason she's on the cover of Weekly Life & Style this week.

Bad Mom and Dad alert: Inside Suri's twisted world.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Last year, many stories about TomKat followed the narrative that Katie Holmes was an innocent trapped in a nasty cult. This year, the story has changed and most of the stories about the couple focus on their bizarre ideas about child rearing and how much of a spoiled brat five year old Suri Cruise has become. Here are the headlines.

• Crazy new details
• Trapped in Tom and Katies warped world
• Katie yanks Suri from school for Fashion Week
• Encouraged to wear dark lipstick and heels
• Cupcakes for breakfast and dinner at 1 a.m.
• Now Suri's acting out
  
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen's feelings with comments in Parade magazine.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays!?! Yes, there is clearly the Story of the Week, so let's get an early start on it. Some combination Brad and Jen and Angie and Justin (Theroux, the odd man out when it comes to gossip fame in this crowd) show up on an astonishing seven of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and given that none of them are old enough to be interesting to the Globe and the low rent Examiner and Nostradamus foolishly forgot to make any prophecies about them that would be published in the Sun, seven is just about the max anyone can get.

The National Enquirer story is way different from the others, so it will get its own post tomorrow.

Brad Pitt was interviewed in Parade magazine in the publicity run-up to his new movie Moneyball and he made some comments about having no ambition in the 1990s and his marriage to Jennifer Aniston no being what he had hoped for. This has caused a stink and he has publicly apologized, but that doesn't stop the gossip rags from flying off the handle in a jillion different directions. Here are the headlines.

• People: Brad to Jen: 'I'm Sorry'
• OK!: Brad to Jen: I've been living a lie!
  Brad publicly apologizes to Jen
  The shocking truth is finally revealed!
  A humiliated Angelina is devastated
• In Touch: Brad's insults spark a new war
  Jen's man threatens Brad
  Inside their explosive Sept. 14 showdown
  Justin calls Brad a "wimp" and warns, "Shut your mouth!"
  PLUS How Angelina is still fueling the fire
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Brad's jealous of Jen
• Us Weekly: Brad trashes their marriage
  Jen demands an apology
  Enraged by Pitt's cruel attack, Aniston refuses to let him spoil her happiness
• Star: Jen rips Brad for trashing her
  The furious phone call
  
  

As you can see, this story is all over the place. Tomorrow, one completely different gossip story that includes Jen and Angie and Justin and leaves Brad completely out of the picture.

Love Bird Alert™: Why Holly chose Blake on Bachelor Pad.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

There's a new spin-off of the Bachelor called Bachelor Pad. I know nothing about it except that it's a bunch of guys and a bunch of girls who I assume had been on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Two of them by the names of Holly and Blake decided to get together. I do not know anything about them and have little interest in learning more.

Going online, I see that the show's finale is either already happened or happening soon. For my taste, it can't be soon enough.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The stories of the reconciling of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are just a few weeks old and Weekly Life & Style has a headline that reads "Justin & Jessica: Finally a wedding".

Color me unconvinced.

Back to more Teen Mom crap.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Regular readers know how I feel about Teen Mom, so let's just get to the headlines.

• Teen Mom Farrah: Why she gave up her baby
• The shocking reason she changed her mind about keeping Sophia
• Their emotional goodbye
• A selfish decision or a sacrifice for a better life?
• Exclusive interview
  

On the rocks alert and Don't try suicide warning: Kendra's story turns dark

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, In Touch
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Weekly Life & Style and In Touch are both published by Bauer and this week, these two and these two magazines alone among the supermarket rags decide to tell dark stories about the bimbo Kendra Wilkinson, stories that make her husband Hank look long suffering, mature and responsible. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kendra confesses: I hit my husband
• In Touch: Kendra's secret breakdown
  depression suicide and divorce
  beneath the bubbly facade, she admits, "I'm a wreck"
  Threatens husband Hank she'll kill herself
  Panic attacks and blackouts
  What finally forced him to take the baby away

Best wishes to Hank Baskett and the adorable Hank Baskett Jr. I hope both of these guys make it out of this okay.